Das · Journal

I don't feel comfortable writing too much about my personal life on facebook anymore, because there are just too many people who get to read it.  If I write about something horrible that's just happened, it feels like I'm fishing for attention.  But if I write about something great that's just happened, I feel like I'm boasting.  I don't mind opening up a little bit to a smaller crowd that knows me better, though.  And I don't want to be that sad, unfortunate person that holds things in for so long that she forgets how to speak about them at all.  I'm not guaranteeing consistency, but I do need a space to muse and/or vent.

Currently I'm semi-preparing to jet off to South Korea in a couple of months.  I'm kind of in limbo, though, because I haven't received my background check from the FBI and I'm not 100 percent sure I'll have it before March (which is when I'm supposed to leave).  I think I can go over there without it, but I can't get a work visa until I have it, which means I'd be stuck there without an income for a little while.  But for now, I'm just going to assume things will go as planned and start making a good packing list, which so far includes lots and lots of deodorant ($10 a stick in Korea), a few books, and a very warm jacket just in case it gets really cold at some point, which it probably will.

I'm worried about it, the same way I was worried about going to Japan the month before I left.  Except I'm a little bit more worried because I don't speak a word of Korean (at least not yet).  I guess I'll work on that once I get there.  I'm afraid of involving myself in way too many socially awkward situations... but if I want to keep traveling I really need to get over that.  I guess that's why I'm throwing myself into it like this, so I can get used to it and be more open to traveling in the future.  I see so many people who are so afraid of awkward situations that they won't do anything even remotely risky, and sometimes I see it in myself when I'm at my worst emotionally.  I'm going to fight that part of my nature so hard.

My brother keeps saying really funny things about how horrible South Korea is -- funny because the economy there is AMAZING right now, and petty crime is... well, much less prominent there than it is here.  Actually, I think that goes for crime in general as well.  Although the rape statistics are relatively high.  Guess I'll bring my steel granny panties.  In all honesty I'm really looking forward to getting out of California for a while.  Things just kind of suck here right now. 

And did I mention that I get my own studio apartment?  I'm really looking forward to it.  No roommates, so I can walk around looking like hell in the mornings without a care in the world.

This is just kind of a personal list for reference. Ignore it!

MICA

• MFA in Graphic Design
• Mount Royal School of Art

Oxford

• Ruskin School of Drawing and Fine Art
• Graduate Program in Linguistics
• Graduate Studies in Modern and Medieval Languages
• Oxford Institute of Archaeology
• Nissan Institute of Japanese Studies

Cambridge

• MPhil in World Archaeology
• Department of Anglo-Saxon, Norse, and Celtic

etc...

in this fucking mansion!

Furnished, utilities paid for, $800 a month.

I must have done something right this year.

So classes are finally over, and I have one final left. I've caught serious junioritis at this point, and I'm also getting that feeling that I get when I've been in one place too long. I need a change of scenery (again). I think it has something to do with being uncomfortably comfortable. As an example, I can't even sleep in the same place for too long because I eventually get too comfortable.

I just have to push through next semester, and if everything goes as planned, I will get my change of scenery in the fall next year. Yeeeeahhhh Nagoya!

I'm hoping I'll have more energy for next semester after I go in and get my gargantuan thyroid checked out. I've been ridiculously tired all semester, and when I wake up I feel like people have been kicking me all night... and my skin is getting really dry in places and I sweat a lot and my neck looks swollen and it's just generally making my life harder than it needs to be.

I want to come back ready to paint, exercise, and blend drinks just like John Kilduff:

Speaking of exercise, I've finally started running again (after five years)... I must have done it a lot back in high school because I was angry or something, because it definitely helps with that. And I just generally feel more confident after a good workout. And my gams look better. And it will be nice to lose a little bit of weight.

Here's a surprising thing: I've been volunteering as a teacher's assistant at an after school program in South Central, and while the kids seem slightly insane sometimes, spending time with them once or twice a week really helps me keep my sanity intact. Today I taught them how to draw an anglerfish and a deer. And then one of the girls proceeded to give me a hug and was like "no wonder everybody looooves you" and I was like awww thanks... now I just I wish I wasn't too awkward to hug you back... but in any case it was really cute. I feel like teaching might actually be what I for reals want to do.

I've also made some new stuff this semester... I'm starting to find that body image is the central theme in most of the art that I make... so I've been trying to get a better knowledge of what other artists have done with the topic in order to understand what's out there:

So far, I've found Jenny Saville, Lita Cabellut... and also a few older artists, namely Orlan and Gina Pane.

Anyway, here's what I've been up to... or at least a sample, because I haven't gotten good photographs of everything yet.

These ones are from my drawing final:




And these are from an earlier project for the same class:

I don't feel so great.

Even though everything seems to be going well.

This makes me feel at least slightly better, though --


Minilogue - Animals from ljudbilden on Vimeo.

< awful fucking rant >

SO.

My mom decides she wants to take my little brother shopping for back-to-school clothes.

He won't shut the fuck up about how he doesn't want to shop at Zumiez, or any of the other outlet stores, because he doesn't want to buy "poseur brands" like Etnies and.... etc.

(Well, you little fucker, if you want to buy BADASS shit, then you'd better come home with a BADASS paycheck of your own... oh wait, you can't get a fucking job because you can't keep your grades up -- you're too busy being the family arsenist/vandal/village idiot!)

Anyway, as I'm sitting in my room trying to pack up my shit for school, I hear them outside bantering back and forth as usual. It stops and I assume they've left.

Buuuut 15 minutes later my mom comes in, crying and telling me to stay out of it. I ask her what's wrong, and she tells me "Nick just doesn't feel like he's a part of the family, he doesn't feel included..." etc., etc., etc. and more bullshit like that.

So, once again, my little fucker of a brother has taken an argument (the original argument: we should go school clothes shopping at a place we can afford) and turned it against my mom, who is indeed very sensitive. Honestly, I'm not sure how he managed to change the topic from clothes shopping to his own feelings of exclusion... but it most certainly involved a big, stinky red herring. Like Alex said... he's just one of those kids who takes pleasure in finding and targeting people's weak spots.

And I can bet that a few hours from now, I will get the good ol' "just tell him you love him, it'll make him see that you care about him" bit from my mom or dad.

Well frankly... I don't fucking care about the little prick at this point! I wouldn't want to get his hopes up by telling him I love him, either. So fugghetaboudit.

Granted, I have had my moments... I've made my mom cry before, too. I admit that it seems to be a normal thing for parents to go through with teenagers... or tweenagers, or whatever you want to call th' douchebags.

I think the thing that pisses me off most about this is the fact that it revolves around my brother not wanting to feel like a poseur. But I have some news for you, dear child... I'd much rather have a posuer for a brother than a dickslap like you.

< /awful fucking rant >